Sam-a-rama!

"Say, does this look funny to you?"

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"Goin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches"

First, let me wish you all a happy Halloween and you got your scare on today. If you planned me doing the day up, let me send you to a previous post from April about my adventures in The Haunted Mansion that will send a chill down your spine because it's true. However, today we talk fruit. I blame Stephen Colbert for all of this trouble...

It you are a normal reader, first let me say Bless You for that. Second, how do you put up with the craziness? Have you read the comments lately? This has gotten ridiculous now. Look, I say that Georgia peaches are the best peaches in the world and South Carolina's are not. Although, I did find this online, via Peach County.

Fresh Georgia peaches are available only 16 weeks each year, from mid-May to August. Although Georgia is still called the Peach State, it actually ranks third in United States peach production behind California and South Carolina, though Georgia peaches are arguably the sweetest and tastiest grown anywhere. In 2001, the Georgia peach crop totaled 140 million pounds and brought in $35 million.

First, let me say to Ivan ( member of The League Of Savannah Bloggers and who has finally made it to Blogger with a new vision for Thrilling Days of Yesteryear), I will stand my ground on the Ga. Peach. That goes for the Vidalia Onion and the peanut! They are from Georgia, along with The Allman Brothers! Greg Allman lives in Richmond Hill! His cousin Annie has a music store downtown! HA! HA, I said! Also, Swan Shadow (who is not officially a member of The League Of Savannah Bloggers, but would be if he lived here) should be ashamed for eating peaches from the can. I prefer my peaches fresh from the tree. Truthfully, it's how I grew up. I may be a semi-city kid, but I remember going to the country to pick up a fresh bushel or two of peaches that were as sweet and juicy as could be, right here in Georgia. Yes, we may be in third but our peaches rocked! Which we now segue into...

The Presidents Of The United States Of America and their song "Peaches". The lyrics are nuts and the plot for this clip goes nowhere. Kind of like this post today.

Oh, I almost forgot before I start the video...HI, MONKEY!

Like I said, Faithful Reader...Bless You for putting up with this nuttiness.








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Monday, October 29, 2007

THREATDOWN!


I did not want to do this, but the man has given me no choice. Effective immediatly, I hereby retract my decision to support Stephen Colbert as President of the United States. On Sunday in a speech given in his home state of South Carolina, Colbert stated that "I promise, if elected, I will crush the state of Georgia". Also, "Our peaches are more numerous than Georgia's," he said. "They are more juiciful."


First of all, the city of Savannah has been a rival of Charleston for over 200 years. Of course, we look much better and our city smells better than theirs. By the way, I heard they got an STD from Charlotte, North Carolina, but you didn't hear it from me.


Second, whenever peaches are even mentioned in a conversation, it's always about Georgia peaches. Even Southern women are called Georgia peaches who aren't even from Georgia. You ever hear of a Southern woman called a South Carolina peach? No, because they are sour and filled with worms.


Stephen Colbert, pronounced COL-BURT from this day forward, you have upset me to the fullest with your acquations and lies about my fair state and challenge you to an old fashioned Southern Duel. You have not only besmirched my honor, but also the honor of the millions people who call the Fair and Beautiful state of Georgia home, by God. You have now recieved my Wag of the Finger and it is in the middle of my hand, sir.


In other words: It's on now, bee-yotch.

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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Video Soul

Okay, here's more videos for ya. CHeck out my favorite new song this month. Mark Ronson featuring the voice of AMy Winehouse ( maybe she was drunk when they were shooting this?) and "Valerie".


Here's a classic Tex Avery Ccartoon that should have you literally die laughing as the guy in "Symphony in Slang" did.


Finally, to complement the Quisp commercial I ran last week, here's a classic Captian Crunch Ad featuring the first appearence of Jean LeFoot, the Barefoot Pirate. I posted this in the one below but was haing prblems so I put it here. Enjoy 'em all, of course with a good balanced breakfast!

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Video Soul

I've got midterms this week and a term paper due tomorrow, so instead of thinking I'm posting some vids today. First up is possibly one of the greatest, if not craziest plays in college football ever, and it only happened yesterday. Count all the laterals in this...


Next, if you haven't been watching 30 Rock on Thursday nights, you are missing one of the funniest shows on TV this season, hands down. It's already into its fourth show of the year so far and Alec Baldwin hit one out of the park this week on a classic bit with Tracy Morgan. Say what you will abou the guy's personal life, but he is one of the five funniest men on tv today, and that includes Stephen Cobert, Jon Stewart, Steve Carrell and that guy from FEMA last week who did that fake press conference. Way to go, FEMA! You guys are on top of the job once again!


Here's a link to the commercial that intoduces Quisp and Quake to kids across America. Quaker still makes Quisp these days, but only sells it in limited areas and online. The site is cool and has a cartoon done by John K. of Ren and Stimpy fame that brings the Quazy Engery Cereal back from the dead.

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Sunday, October 21, 2007

Keep On Dancin'

After watching "Happy Feet" on HBO last night (Savion Glover is The Man!), I decided to step out of the house for an hour or two. My drive lead me to Doubles at the Holiday Inn midtown, which I haven't been to in a good while. I caught up with DJ Sam Diamond who was on the ol' ones and twos for the crowd but nursing a busted ankle, so his girlfriend Holly was there to help out. I also caught up with bar staff, specifically Kurt and Cindy. It was Cindy who asked me how in the world could I keep up a blog like I do and continue to do the other stuff. So today, your reporter is putting you behind the scenes of this dog and pony show.

Fisrt of all, it's amazing that I'm able to do anything these days what with dialysis three days a week. Yesterday, I went into the clinic at seven in the morning because I was asked by Sam if I could come in that night for a few. Yes, it was hell in that chair for four and a half hours, but I made it through. Mind you, I hosted kareoke the night before at Captain's Lounge till 3AM with only four singers the whole night and I had nearly lost my voice filling time singing ( I did Jeffery Osborne's "Stay With Me Tonight" at one point), so it was a busy twenty four hours. I'll be doing the same thing next weekend as I'm at Captain's again on Saturday night for their Halloween party, then Sunday I'll do my weekly show on E-93 from Noon to 4PM. Add on to the fact that I have a full load of classes this quarter for school and it all adds up the fact that I have taken up the title "hardest working man" since James Brown died on Christmas.

There's no secret to how the heck I'm doing this. It's simply one part faith to two parts crazy energy. I figured out last year that if I just sit there like a rock, I'm just gonna get bored, so the best thing for me to do is stay busy. I don't know about anyone else with end stage renal failure, but I don't want to wallow the whole time. I want a life and the ony way for me to get that is get up and go. I envy the folks out there, 100% healthy, who have the chance to get out there and enjoy life to the fullest, but I can't stand the ones who just sit back and let life fly them and watch as they don't take advantage of it. I just need to keep occupied with other things or I'll bitch and moan on the couch about everything on this website and no one wants that, really. Trust me, reader. You really don't want that.

All I'm saying is if you have the chance and you just come to this page and you really don't much else afterwards, then let me envoke the words of the great William Shatner and get a life. There is so much to do out there and you can't let it go by. Keep dancing or at some point you'll miss your groove. It is as simple as that.

By the way, while I'm writing this I am also at work as we speak on E-93, so it's a bit of multitasking here. Like I said, I got crazy engery like a bowl of Quisp.

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Colbert-Huxtable in '08!

He's gonna run. Would you vote for him?
By the way, I think Cliff Huxtable would be a good running mate. Better than nothing, or at least Dennis Kucinich.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Human Target


On November of 2004, I wrote a post on this very site about how Target department stores are evil. You may read that post here. Since then, I have not been to a Target for anything. That's right...I fought the temptation for low prices and quality prices for years, for Target has everything you need. Need a new coffee maker, they got it. Need a good hat, they got it in your size. Only Satan could run a store like this, so to save me soul I never looked back and stayed away. Until now.

Last Thursday, The Dark Lord opened the doors to a brand new Target just five minutes away from my home on Victory Drive. Ironically, this was location for the town's first K-Mart until it was torn down two years ago. Since then, Home Depot, Staples and other stores made their way as agents of the Enemy to see his way through. During the grand opening, many Savannians sold their souls for a Red Card for even bigger discounts. Ol' Jack Scratch is a dark one, but at least he'll cut you a break or two on sneakers.

Before I walked into the store, I gave myself three Hail Marys and crossed myself over and over, but there was nothing I could do. It was like when the priest walked into the room in "the Excorcist, execpt without all the vomit and stuff. The looks on the shoppers faces reminded me of zombies on the verge with buggies in the hands. I knew that I had to stay stong, even if I saw a 72' flatscreen LCD TV for $799.00. Sure, I only had thirty bucks on me and I would have busted my debit card wide open, but c'mon! That was a bargin! Damn you, Satan!

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Chocolate Thunder

Okay, so this has been on the web now for just over a month now, but I just wanted to share this with you. There's a British advert(we calls 'em commercials) for Cadbury's Dairy Chocolate that has a gorilla playing the drums to Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight" that is fantastic.



That was pretty cool. Now, take that same video and remix it with some cool old school style rap and it's an even bigger winner!



What say ye on the vids, Dramatic Chipmunk?



Man, that chipmunk still makes me laugh.

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Saturday, October 06, 2007

Like A Porsche On Blocks

I had planned on writing about how from this point on, I plan on stopping my verbal abuse of Britney Spears because it's gotten to the point that even she doesn't even care anymore about anything to do with reality. Her life has become a sad little joke played out before the public and it's not too long before she possibly blows up after the self destruct switch gets yanked. Before I'm done with the pop princess however, I have a few things I'd like to say about dating and the opposite sex. Don't worry, ladies. I will be as fair as possible with this.

It came to me last night in a vision, first of all. I had been at home most of the day and into the night trying to get caught up on my first week of Fall classes with homework, when it hit me like a slap in the back of the head. I need to be out there having fun on Friday night instead of having to sit at home doing all of this paper work. After all, I deserve it for all the work I've put in this week. I need to meet some ladies and have some fun. Then after a while of mulling this over, I thought about that. Once I go out and meet someone and my conquest is successful at some point, I'm going to have to tell her about the whole kidney thing at some point, which one or two things will happen. Either the person is going to understand fully what I'm going through and do what they can to make things easy for the both of us or they just say it's too much to deal with. Think about this for a minute or so. Say you were single and there was someone who you thought was attractive enough for you for you to possibly go out with them and you find out that they have some sort of skeleton in their closet that you may not be able to deal with. Everybody has something they haven't told the other person that could hold them back. Eddie Murphy put it best: "Hell, some people got graveyards in their closet."

As the cryptkeeper of my own yard, let me say that for the record that I finally realize the real reason I don't date much anymore. First of all, I really don't feel like all the drama. Every woman I've dated over the years has been nominated for an Emmy for their performances that could make any Meryl Streep scene look like a first grade school play. Anyone who has heard me tell them all about The 2007 St. Patrick's Day Massacre knows exactly what I'm talking about (Oh, you haven't heard that story yet? I will be telling it soon for Sweeps Month). I really understand that you have a crappy life at the moment, but walk a mile in these size thirteens for a few. Yes, I know it may be vain of me to say it but think about it. The crap I'm going through trumps mostly all the other stuff. Bad spouses, lousy jobs, broke all the time, stupid friends, just the crap people can actually control, yet they don't. Unless they or their child is sick or deathly ill, I compleatly understand. However, if you have a stupid job that has just made your life a living hell and now you must make someone else's life as bad as yours, I will look at you as if you are crazy, tell you you are crazy, then try to plot a way to get out the Hades Bar and Grill without you knowing.

Which goes back to the beginning and Britney. Here is this good looking woman who has gone bat shite crazy. It could be from all the pressure of fame and the fact that because she is good looking, she is going to get all the attention she feels she wants. However, this is also now a woman with an affliction I have heard called "Crazy Eyes". They look really great, but as you get closer and closer to them, you see this thing in their eyes that doesn't look right. It may be loose gears or it could be a little person with a pick ax, but either way it just doesn't look right. Something is wrong with that person and nothing you can do other than a year in rehab, heavy medication, shock therapy and a Scared Straight session with either a reformed Crip or a Blood can fix that person. Britney has had the Crazy Eyes for years and it was just a matter of time before everyone would notice. From this point on, any person she dates will look at her a little more closely now if and when she gets herself together years from now. It could happen in a romantic little restaurant where Brit-Brit is sitting with her new date and they ask her if there's anything special about her, she goes into how she shaved her head and you can see that left eye of hers jumping around.

This is why I don't want to date anymore.

Of course, I am writing all this crap at six in the morning on a Saturday and I haven't had a cup of coffee yet.

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