Sam-a-rama!

"Say, does this look funny to you?"

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Once again, here's the original version of this month's Murmur magazine essay. If you live in the Savannah area and you want to see how it looked in the end, stop by any kiosk that has the Murmur logo. It's free, which is cool that a magazine that looks that good should at least cost something. A steak dinner, maybe. How about a beer? Oh well, whatever.


I've been asked by the editor of this lovely little magazine, Tadd Trueb to come up with a piece for the December issue. Mind you, it's a last minute thing, since the original story fell through and he needed someone to fill in for a page or two. For the record, I feel like Regis Philbin whenever David Letterman calls and asks if he could come by the show since Tom Cruise has a Scientology thing that night. I now have a twenty-four hour deadline to meet in order for Tadd to get things published on time. Which means "deadlines" is this month's subject. How do you think, Dear Murmur reader, will I get to that subject? Read and see.

As we all know by now, the deadline for 2007 is 11:59 on December 31. At the stroke of the clock at midnight, it will be January 1, 2008. After all the Auld Lang Syne, the boozing, the kissing, and the rest that people do to bring in the new year, it now comes time to come up with a resolution for the next year. Oh, I almost forgot...My dad would get his .38 and unload it on New Year's Eve. He'd be buzzed on gin, then go to the upstairs window and start shooting. I don't think he hit anyone, at least anyone still alive from his holiday sniper shots. I would like to remind everyone that my father was friggin' crazy like that.


On New Year's Day, the question is always asked. Some jackhole comes up to you while you are trying to enjoy your yearly bowl of Hop n' Johns for luck in the next few months and ruins it by asking you the dumbest thing in the world. "So, have you made any New Year's resolutions?"

First, let me say that if I did make any resolutions, it is none of your business, Nosey McNoserson. How about your resolution be not to stick your big head where it doesn't belong? Why don't you use that super power of getting into everybody's deal when you're not wanted and help OJ find those real killers like he said he would? Oh yeah, he could really use the help, pal. With that being said, Nosey now has just put the pressure on you for the entire year. You start to become self conscious and realize that you have a problem that needs to be fixed and the new year is the perfect time to fix it. It's not fair really to anyone. the fact that you have this long standing problem and you have now forced yourself to have it resolved in 364 days from now. Great, no pressure. No Pressure at all, right?

Anyone who makes a resolution on New Year's Day is a fool. You will say it, but you probably won't do it. It's true because I read about it in a survey. You can't argue with me on it because I know that you've done it as well as I. "I will lose weight this year." "I will stop smoking this year." "I promise not to wake up in a bed that I never bought after a night of Wild Turkey shots." That one I made up, kinda. I know a few folks that do that constantly. Really, tat one would be cool. As long as the person on the other side of me worked for Coyote Ugly and NOT coyote ugly.

The problem with making such a promise like that is whether or not you will be able to stick to it. Once you realize the pressure of the statement, you're more than likely to forget it. every year I said I would stop smoking, I would wind up lighting up another the next day without fail. Nosey McNoserson would then ask, "I thought you said your resolution was to quit smoking this year". Yeah, I said it and now I'm over it. Now shut your pie hole before I shove this pack of Camels right down your throat, you nosey bastard. Yeah, no pressure at all.

However, 2007 was different for me. I didn't make any resolutions. I just said that I'll do better and somehow I did. I decided to go back to school and concentrate more on my studies than I should women. I had a health scare over the summer and would stop smoking completely, although I did have some help thanks to 1mg a day of Chantix. Other than that, I haven't had a smoke in five months as you read this and I think I can keep it up.

The point I'm trying to make here and I promise that there is a point to all of this is that the deadline is now on for a lot of people. 2007 is almost done and 2008 is looking you straight in the eye wondering how you're going to make the most of the year. You got the little respite from Christmas but now it is on like Donkey Kong. You need to get your crap together for the coming year so you'd better get ready to say something whenever that freakin' busybody asks you what you plan on doing for the next year.

Or you can do it like me. Just take it all one day at a time. Take that long, deep breath and let it go. And give the middle finger to anyone that gives you too much pressure to meet a deadline. Okay, well at least not to your editor when he can see you.

Sam Johnson is a Jack-of-all-Trades, Agent Provocateur and fun loving Rouge all rolled up into a big old ball. He can be heard Sundays from Noon to Four on E-93, and has his own blog at www.blaxstone.blogspot.com. You can reach him via email at samjohnson@gmail.com For Christmas, he wants a doggy, a Kenner Give-A-Show projector, a kidney transplant, and Olivia Munn from "Attack of The Show".

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