Sam-a-rama!

"Say, does this look funny to you?"

Monday, May 07, 2007

My Feminine Problem

I posted this on the My Space blog yesterday and had a lot of response to it. Mostly from women. I'm glad I did as it got out a butt load of angst I've had about them as of late and why I don't have a mate of my own. Just to let you know, this is a subject I don't touch upon here and while it is kind of angry talk, just understand that I'm just a picky guy. So there.

I'm going to say a few things that are gonna piss many of you women off. It has to be said now because at this point, I'm just angry about it and frustrated. So, here we go...

You women want the truth. The real truth? None of you are my type.

I'm serious here.

You see, I have a lot of women as my friend here on My Space. There's a reason for that. BECAUSE I AM A SINGLE MAN. If you haven't figured it out by now, that is the main reason why I even signed on to this monstrosity. However, since I decided to become part of this place, I can truthfully say that I haven't found what I'm looking for. Lord knows I've tried as hard as I can, but without luck. To quote you ladies when you're in this perdiciment, why are all the good ones either married or gay?

I've gone out with a few of women in my friends list, but that's less than a handfull. Because of dialysis and now college, I don't have the time or energy to just go out and hit the singles scene. "See Sam, if you get off your ass and go look instead of trying online, it would be easier." It would be, but I did the bar thing when I was a club dj. I'm too old and too tired for that right now. I thought that meeting women here could work out fine. NO, IT HASN'T.

What I am about to say now will probably lose me a few people from the friends list, but it has to be said, since the frustration of it all is driving me nuts here. I won't use names, but if they know who they are, please understand how I feel right now...

One was a very nice mom of three, but sadly I really don't think she was that interested in me. I thought she was great, but there wasn't any conection there...

There's the ex-Marine who I strated to talk to, but she saw it as only friends. IT ALWAYS WINDS UP AS ME BEING JUST FRIENDS WITH WOMEN! You know what my problem is, is that I frickin' listen too much. You women always complain that we don't listen and when we do, it just drops us down from Macho Guy to Big Brother just like that. I am a Man, for God's sake. Have you ever thougth that I may like you for your butt? If I were an asshole, would you like me even more like all the other guys that treat you like shit, then run to me crying and asking me why are guys the way they are? By the way, there are A LOT of women on that list. Thank God I'm not naming names right now...

Here's the big one: Some of you women have waaaaaay too much drama for me to deal with. I went out with someone recently who literally was in tears after I asked her one simple question: "Tell me about yourself". What happened then was akin to a flood of tears as she told me how tough her life was a that moment for two hours straight. My God, I just wanted to know more about her and I got a Lifetime movie of the week that could have starred Valeri Bertinelli. What made it worse was that it all happened in public and folks were staring at me like I just broke up with her. I don't even want to get into the fact that she told me about her ex-boyfriend who's still her "buddy", if you get that. I never felt so mortified in all my life.

Here's the deal: this is the kind of woman that I'm looking for. I know it's asking for much, but I deserve what's only best for me. Yes, I've heard the crap that the perfect person doesn't exsist, but if she did this is what I'd look for out of her...
Physically, she has to be at between 4'10" and 5'10. As for weight, she can't be bigger than me. Sorry, I like a little meat on the bone, but not a slab.

As for brains, if she's smart, fantastic. Not too smart, though. I don't mean Gracie Allen/Chissy Snow dumb at all. I mean, if she knows quotes from "Monty Pathon and The Meaning of Life", she can tell me who was in The Rat Pack and can laugh at a stupid joke then turn around and tell one works well.

Attitude wise, I don't want a 'round the way girl. There, I said it. If you are a hood chick, Black or White, good for you, but it's just not my type. I don't like tough chicks. I like a woman to be a woman. If they know martial arts or like to watch a good boxing match, I'm cool with that, but I like old fashioned women. I know that sounds stereotypical of a guy to say, but that's just me. In other words, if you could have auditioned on Flavor of Love and then got kicked off and gone on to Flavor of Love's Charm School, then I am not the man you need to be with.
By the way, if you have drama, I mean MAJOR DRAMA, fix it before you go out with ANYBODY. No one wants to go out with someone so screwed up. I go to dialysis three days a week. That is PROBLEM and a health problem, at that. If you are still dealing with ex boyfriend who you are still having sex with even while he's gone off and married another woman, or you have an ex who still wants posession of you and you break up with him ever other week even after he treats you like crap, but you still love him for treating you like crap over the years, then you have Oscar award winning drama that outshines any role Meryl Streep or Helen Mirren could play. I can't fix you if you can't fix you. I can be there, but I can't solve this Rubick's Cube. And yes, I WILL LISTEN when you need me to. But when it gets to the point of just becoming absoloutly frickin' ridiculous, then you should really think about why you're life is so screwed up before you get anyone else's life screwed up.

So here's how it should break down: She's gotta have Hallie's sexiness when she had short hair, Tina Fey's brain and her glasses (that's a lot right there), and Amy Winehouse's singing voice. She must have own life togthether before we've met, as I'm doing my best to make sure that I get mine straight and I don't have time to fix your ex problems. Kids are fine, as long as you don't expect me to become instant dad. They respect me and I'll respect them. Most of all, I want a woman I can sit back with on the couch while she's wearing button down shirt and knee socks, watching Turner Classic Movies and joking about how cheesy the dialogue from "The Ten Commandments" were. How great a chili dog can be. How much fun it is just to go to the bar and see how goofy some of the folks there are. Just a good time and great conversation. That's all I want. Like I said, I know I'm being picky. But dammit, that's all I want in life at this point. Why is it so hard for me to get that? Why is trying someone to make me happy so goddammed hard?

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