Sam-a-rama!

"Say, does this look funny to you?"

Sunday, November 26, 2006

"Paul Revere-A Bedtime Story"



Adapted by Dutch of Sweet Juniper. If I had kids, I would definetly read them this story. This is better than Dr Seuss and Harry Potter combined. Now if we can just get LL Cool J to stop making kids books...

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Chicken 'N Beer For Thanksgiving

Okay, we're back. I hope your Thanksgiving Day was worthwhile and you gave thanks for what you have in life. Now, for those of you who wondered if I had a great Turkey Day and thanks for asking, yes I did. Sorta. See, the day started out with me going to dialysis that morning. That's right: bloodletting waits for noone. I promptly went in around 7:30 that morn and got "jacked into the matrix" for a few hours. By the time I was done, I was too tired for anything else as usual, so I went home to take a nap. Now, I had bought some turkey breasts and had planned on cooking them that day, but there was no way that I was gonna stand in front of that stove that day. So I did the next best thing and prayed that my brother Anthony didn't go out of town as he and his family are wont to do every year at this time. Which he didn't. So, I talked to his wife and she told me to take a nap and come over for grub. Which I did.

After the nap and the meal later, both of which were great, I drove off to work to go produce CNN Headline News for the news/talk station. I've been doing that now for about a two months and have been quiet about it, since it's just the satellite feed and I'm just making sure that the local commercials are inserted at the right time. The thing is, I'm only doing it for one hour a day and of all the days to be there, Thanksgiving Day was the wrong day to be there. Oh, things went fine and all, but really. I was too worn out to be there to deal with it. FOR ONE HOUR. Someone will suffer for that. Oh yes, they will suffer...

Finally, I made a promise to pal/co-worker Damien that I would stop by his place for what could become an annual event. The First Annual Chicken 'N Beer Party Extravaganza. Let me explain: I've worked with a lot of folks with a good sense of humor, but nothing that could go toe to toe with mine, which as you know is pretty messed up. Damien can match me word for word, twist to twist. If I had to do a morning zoo radio show, he would get equal billing. So, when he came up with the idea of having chicken and beer for Thanksgiving the night before, I said make a party out of it and that he did. He and I sent out more bulletins on My Space on that than Tom would on spammers that week. Thank God only a few folks showed up, otherwise we'd have run out of drumsticks before we knew it. By the way, I have to thank Bojangles Fried Chicken as the official sponsor of the event, as it was the only chicken place, if not the only fast food place in America open on Thanksgiving.

In all, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. I was thankfull for my health, my family, my job and my friends and Bojangles, almost in that order. I hope that yours was just as pleasent.

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

SNOW?!

I'm gonna say this and I want all the readers, especially those in Montana to understand. I don't want snow around me. Like, here in the South. Like In Savannah. Like, IN FRICKIN' NOVEMBER.

It actually snowed yesterday here. It wasn't much. Only 1" to 2" inches and it didn't stick. The High here was only 45 degrees, but the wind was coming in around 10 to 15 mph thanks to a front that brought rain which turned into sleet, which turned into snow. That kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen here in Savannah. IN NOVEMBER. FOlks here don't knw how to drive anyway when it's raining. A snow fall will freak their freak. You ever see a turkey in the rain? They actually drown from holding their heads to the sky because they don't know to get out of the bad weather. It's kinda like that here. In case your wondering by the way, the weather shuold return to a nice balmy low to mid seventies by Saturday. You don't send snow down to Savannah in Novemeber. You'll never get to see it, much less throw a snowball at anyone.

Speaking of turkeys, have yourselves a great Thanksgiving day. I'll be back on Sunday with a full tummy by then, so typing on tryptophan sould be interesting. Go get your fill and I'll see you then.

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Monday, November 20, 2006

A Stupid, Stupid Thing

I hate that I don't have internet service at home, otherwise I would have jumped on this sooner than later. For Michael Richards to do something as stupid has he did Friday night at the Laugh Factory is unacceptable, not only in my book but many others. First, as a stand up comic, you never ever get frustrated when a heckler comes along. You talk about their mother and move on to the next joke. Richards, who after many years has seeminly decided to try out stand up after only acting funny, couldn't take someone telling him his jokes stunk and went off with racial slurs. Let's just say it, which I will since I'm Black: He said the "n" word. Like, three times. If you're seeing Richard Pryor, you could understand that. If you're seeing Chris Rock, you could understand that. If you're seeing Kramer from Seinfeld saying the "n" word, you wouuld never and will never understand that.

Tonight, Richards is set to apologize on The Late Show with David Letterman for his outburst. Here's what gets me: First, it happened in L.A. at the Laugh Factory, where he should apologize. He was given entrance in the club the night after and did not say sorry then and now has been banned from the club for life for his actions, which he deserves. Second, he's going on Letterman with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry should not have to cover for him one bit. Richards did a stupid, stupid thing, in my opinon. It just hurts me as he was a part of one the greatest, if not the greatest sitcom ever made and now, I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to watch the show properly ever again.

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Sunday, November 19, 2006

Jumpin' The Couch

As ordered by the local bloggers union #912, I have to post about the Tomkat wedding, called "Movie of the year!" by Time Magazine.

Here are the vows, word for word...

Priest: And now that we are done quoting from page 243 of Battlefield Earth, we shall now do the wedding vows, which Tom and Katie have written themselves. Tom, you first.

Tom: Thank you. I vow to be a good husband this time. I vow to you that I'll be a good father this time. I promise get a better baby toupee for Suri as soon as they build a new one. I'll promise to stay off couches when your folks come over. I promise that Travolta will no longer stay overnights so we can play Maverick and Goose fight the Galactic Confederacy. I vow never to feel up your brother for Body Thetans. You can be as loud as you want the next baby we have. I promise to watch every episode of Suddenly Susan, even the episodes that sucked. I vow to L.Ron that I'll be the best guy in the world for you, Katie. Because, sometimes you have to say what the f***. Because I've got the need. The need for speed. So, respect the c*** and help me help you.

Priest: Thank you, Tom. And now it's your turn, Katie.

Katie(softly): help me...

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"Let's you and him fight..."

What I'm about to show you is one of the greatest arguments of my childhood. Who would win in a fight: Batman and Robin versus The Green Hornet and Kato?



When I first saw this episode of Batman in the mid-seventies, I had only heard rumors of a "Green Hornet" series with Bruce Lee, but I never had proof until then. Then finally I saw the two part legend with the end of the second chapter dealing with The Big Fight. From that point on, I went from pretending with the neighborhood kids of playing The Dark Knight to becoming The Emerald Crusader (I made that one up since the Hornet doesn't really have the subtitle he fully deserves). From the looks of this scene from the way I see it, Batman would have sadly beaten the Hornet, but only by cheating thanks to Bats pulling something out of his utility belt to stop G.H.. However, Robin would have had his cape handed to him by Kato with a roundhouse kick and a one inch punch. This is only one geek's opinion, of course. What say you?

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Friday, November 17, 2006

PONG RULEZ!!!!


The one thing that amazes me is how so many folks could sit there for days on end for a stupid little box that will probably be out of date the moment you take it out of the box when the next, better system get released. Today is the day that Playstation 3 hits U.S. shores and was gone the moment the clock struck midnight on Thursday. There were robberies and shootings over s plastic box that will have bugs and defects and will have to be updated within days when players find out that programmers forgot something. Just wait and see. It happened when PS2 was released five years ago and it will happen again with this. That's why I don't have one. Not a PS3, nor ps2, nor 1. Nor any of the others, not since Super Nintendo and I'm proud.


I gave up on game systems as I got older. There were just way to many buttons on the dang things for me to deal with. Hold down the A, then press the X, while you flick the right trigger. All that for moving a giant monkey around. I know Monkeys Is Funny tm, but that is just too much for my fragile little mind. So, I stopped giving into them. This from a man who had all the classic game systems:Nintendo, Sega, Colecovision, every Atari, even the rare ones like Oddessy II with the voice box and Turbografix 16. I used to be The Man. Now, I just don't care. I'll play checkers now on the front porch and yell at the punks to get off my lawn.


Last night, as a favor for my friend and co-worker Damien, I took a trip to the local Best Buy to get reactions from folks who camped out in front of the store who wanted the game for his radio show. First of all, the line was filled with guys whoes average age was twenty-one. If they ever kissed a girl, it got boring once they played Madden '07. Second, most of those guys were speculators. Those are the ones who post bid on Ebay with their new games hoping to sell them for ten times the price they bought for. In fact, one of them was a kid/loser who worked under me at the radio station and said he wold sell his to us and we could give it away on the air. I looked at the guy and told him to go have sex with his PS3. You know I didn't say it that way, but this is a PG website, people.


Once I got to size the line, I called the radio station to give my report and went on the air. I then yelled out," Who's here for a Playstation 3?" The boys yelled and whooped up more nose than you could stand. Right after that I yelled, "Who here still lives with their parents?" The boys made even louder noise. Soon, they caught themselves in truthiness and stopped. I had to get the heck out of there afterwards. I was cold and tired and didn't want to be bothered by these guys.


Now, I know I shouldn't pick on these guys. After all, I'm a comic book geek. There are grown men who'll pay thousands of dollars for a 32 page pamplet of the first appearnace of Spider-Man if they had the case. Namely me. But to wait out days in possibly bad weather for days for something that may have defects or get shot for to quiet a yelling kid on Christmas for? Forget it. Bring on the checker board.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

First Impressions

So, did you catch Dancing WithThe Stars last night? Neither did I. I did however catch The Late Show With David Letterman's third night of Impressionists Week and I really wasn't impressed. The act on Wedensday was a guy from Vegas named Gordy Brown, who must have had his first national appearance that night. His act felt very lounge act-ish, with him turning around to change into character. In fact, when turning into Jack Nicholson, Brown did the same facial look that Fred Travelena gave the night before on the show. Dark shades, raised eyebrows and all. I felt as though I saw the same bit the previous night and then saw that act on Merv, circa 1980.

Along with Ventriloquist Week, which The late Show had done with great success months before, it's nice to see Dave bringing back of the standbys of variety shows of tv past. Seeing Rich Little again was a treat, seeing he still has the wit and humor. His Reagan was wonderful and seeing him do Carson once again brought back so many memories, if not for Dave's own. Teusday with Travellina and Wednesday with Brown were okay, but not satisfactory for me. Tonight however should be better with Frank Calliendo from Mad TV performing and Kevin Pollock on Friday to round out the week. It would have been great to see Darryl Hammond from S.N.L. there, but maybe he had a busy schedule and all. But, it's good to see a good comedy style in great form. I'm hoping to see a Jugger's Week on the show at some point, but then this is why to me, Letterman will always beat Leno.

I'll bet I started a brushfire with that statement...

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Get Back, Lorretta

Time Magazine has come out with it's list of the All Time 100 Greatest Albums That Don't Include Pink Floyd (it doesn't). The list goes by decades and the most dominant act on it is The Beatles with five albums, which is great for them. Purists however wil be upset when their latest collection called LOVE is released. I've heard a few cuts from the cd, which is the soundtrack to a new Cirque' Du Soleil production and is a mashup of various Fab Four tunes, post Revolver. I thought the tunes were fasinating after one listen, while a friend thought it was too frivoulous. If you're a Beatles fan, it is worth a listen. I kinda liked it myself, but I've always been a huge fan, so this take on classic tunes is worthwhile since the four will never record together again.

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

Things I may have missed this week

It would be wrong of me not to mention the passings this week of newsanchor Ed Bradley of CBS who passed away from lukemia at the age 0f 65, Gerald Levert, son of the legendary Eddie Levert of the Ojays and a smooth crooner in his own right at the age of 40 and Actor Jack Palance at the age of 87 after yelling at some punk kids who kept running on his lawn, telling them that the day wasn't over yet. Good men all...


Also, where would I be if I didn't mention Kirstie Ally in a bikini? You all may not believe this, but I saw actually rooting for her to lose that weight. I had a thing for that woman for years and she finally decides to show off some skin. So even in her mid fifties, she's still got something. So, yes: I would hit that. There. It's done. I said it. Let's just move on....

Finally, in case you missed it when they snuck it to tv Wednesday night, here's the trailer for Spider-Man 3 that will tell everyother movie in 2007 that they are pwned!
(I have always wanted to type out "pwned" after seeing it on Fark. Now that I have, I really don't see the fun in it.)

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Panic At The Disco

When your between the ages of 18 to 35, the time to spend on a night out begins at 10 pm and ends when you feel like it. After 35 however, "when you feel like it" gets shorter and shorter. By the time you are forty, it turns into "It's too damn loud and my feet hurt, so I'm going home". That's how it was for me on Friday night when after a long day from work, I decided that I'm done for the day and time to celebrate that which is satellite tv, as I pay to watch it and I want to enjoy what I paid for. However, one of my friends at work Damien yells at me, calls me a Sissy Mary and tells me that I need to get my fat butt out and have a good time. Do you have that at work too? You know, the one guy who says that you need to get out of the house and go do something stupid, when you know nothing good will come from it? This is why there's so many office shootings.

After going through a Ferris Bueller/Cameron moment ("I'll go, I'll go, I'll go...."), I went home changed into Sam Action clothes tm and went out for what I hoped would be some fun around 11 pm. During my drinking days, it was no problem go out that late for booze and broads. Now that I don't drink anymore, the desire to go out has diminished a lot. After dialysis, I'm too beatdown for anything, so this was going to epic moment for me. Brief, but epic.

So, I get a somewhat good parking space for a Friday night in Downtown Savannah and make my way to the club where Damien's broadcasting live from. For those of you who don't get the chance to go to one of these places anymore, let me clue you in: The beats are harder, the women are sluttier and all the men dress like Kevin Federline. In fact, there were loads of K-Feds in this place. Caps on sideways with the stickers still on it, baggy clothes, stupid looks. This would be the place if Britney would go if she decided to go on the rebound. I just sat back in the V.I.P. lounge and watched for nearly two hours chicks on stripper poles and guys trying to look up their dresses. Maybe I'm geting old and all and there's a sort of parental part growing inside of me since I don't have kids, but if that my daughter on one of those poles and I saw some G-Unit wannabe from the suburbs staring at my kid like that, there would be club violence going on not seen since the Vibe Award Uprising of '03. It was too much for me now and I couldn't wait for Damien to be done so I could get that bass out of my head.

When he was done, I knew that I had to clear my head and there was no other place for me to go to than my old stomping grounds of The Mercury Lounge. When I was there, it was home and the bartenders where my brothers in booze. It felt like old times going in to se the saem guys behind the bar slinging drinks. I walked up to 'em, gave big guy hugs and we went back to the good old days again, even if it was only no more than three years ago, but they were the best times for me. I sat in my old spot and the boys got me my usual after I started dialysis, a cranberry juice with a splash of tonic in a pint glass. It worked for me everytime as everyone thought that since I knew the guys there so well, they were fixing up fo me the best drink in the world and everyone wanted to know what I had. Trust me, if you have a favorite bar somewhere and you don't drink anymore, try this sometimes. You'll be the star of the moment. Then sit back and just watch the folks line up.

One thing I that I did notice changing spots was the music, of course. THis time I was surrounded by a four piece blues band that was playing a great set and there were couples dancing along to the music. The difference between the guys dancing there and the other place was that the guys were over forty. Otherwise, it was the same thing. They couldn't dance for jack. In fact, these guys were worse then the younger ones. One guy looked like Albert Finney after a bender and danced like Michigan J. Frog on a hotplate, bless his heart. Thank God The Mercury doesn't have stripper poles.

After an hour of this, I began to see it was two in the morning and it was way past my bedtime, so I thanked the guys and called it an night. It was good to see them again, but my body was telling me that I've become the fuddyduddy that I always railed against and it was time to end the ideas closing down the bar. But it's good to have those memories to go back to so one day I can go back and tell my own kids about one day when I do become a dad. Also, I'll have to remind my daughters to stay off the poles.

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Friday, November 10, 2006

K-F'ed

How wild has this week been? Republicans ousted, K-Fed kicked to the curb and Rumsfeld given the boot? If anybody wants to blame Bill Clinton on all of this, I think it would have to be that he talked to Britney.

I should say that I feel bad for K-Fed and D-Feld, but I don't. They were two guys who used their power to do very ridiculous things and spend more money than they should to do things that weren't needed and wound up screwing everything up and alieniating everyone around them becasue of their actions. They abused their responsiblity by overstepping the bounds that they were required to do when taking oath, and for that they lost out. At this point, I'm glad that both are out of the public hair for now. But you know soon one of those guys is gonna come out with a book and hit the talk show circuit to talk about their tumultous times. I'm takig bets now on which one will be first.

By the way, most of you know I really don't like to talk about politics here, but this week was just a whopper. However, I've had an epithany that settles everything. On Letterman a couple of weeks ago after a visit from Bill "Falafal Man" O'Reilly who went on and on with his facts and figures. After looking exasperated just from hearing the man go on and on, Dave looked at Bill and said, "I'll just end up saying I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I don't think you do either." That from this point on is my new position and I'm sticking to it.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

A NEW DAY IN AMERICA!

Yes my friends, a new dawn is on the horizon! It's time for a new beginning for the United States! Strike up the band, get the fireworks ready and let the parades begin! Because...

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from K-Fed. This is the best day yet in the twenty first century yet.

Okay, who really didn't see this coming? Even Stevie Wonder had a lock on it, people. More later...

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Sunday, November 05, 2006

By The Power Of Hip Hop!


Alright, I'm on a roll today with three in a row and the third one's the charm, I think. I found this on Apropos of Something, which I'm glad to see is still moving along, depsite the fact that I thought the guy quit blogging last year. Despite that, he's got some great stuff there, uncluding a link to an MP3 of an unreleased tune from Ludacris where he raps over the theme from "He-Man and The Masters of the Universe".
I'm not gonna lie: If you love hip hop or you never really listened to Ludacris other than watching "Crash", then this song's for you. Luda is one of rap's best lyricists and can boast with the best of them with very funny rhymes. Don't believe me? Then just click on the tune and BOUNCE, Y'ALL...

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Happy Anniversary!

I hate not having internet service at home so I could get to these faster, but happy three year anniversary to Ivan Shreve, Good Member In Standing of the League Of Savannah Bloggers and creator of Thrilling Days Of Yestereryear. Ivan's down with a Savannah Cold right now, so here's hoping that he feels better soon. By the way, you've never had a cold like a Savannah Cold. It's what happens when you step out of the house dressed for 80 degrees and sunny and it winds up 60 degrees and breezy. That will mess you up for days. Also, happy two year anniversary to the longest blog title out there, If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger,There'd Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats. Tom Supten and his merry band find some wonderful photos, movie stills and more on the site, and the mysterious concoction known as Moxie. If you've haven't tried either, now's a good time. Happy Annie to both these great blogs and their wonderful posts!

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Monkey Shines


I've said this before and I'll say it again until the cows come home to roost: MONKEYS IS FUNNY. I don't care what you say, I don't care what you do. Hands down, they are a great laugh maker. Think about the great Monkey entertainers out there. Cheeta, J.Fred Muggs, Lancelot Link, that chimp that was on "Lost In Space", Clyde from "Every Which Way But Loose". I'm tellin' ya, those simians were funny.







Oh, you don't think monkeys are funny? Well, what about the greatest viral video of all time of the chimp that sniffs his own finger? Priceless!





Yes friends, Monkeys Is Funny tm.I dare you not to sit there and not think of something funny that a monkey does. Whether it's driving a car, playing the guitar or just wearing a wig, monkeys pound for pound are funnier that Dane Cook anyday, in my opinion!

CAUTION: Monkeys may fling poo.






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Friday, November 03, 2006

Our Space

Alright, I gotta beef for a moment. As most of you know, I have a My Space page that I keep up on a regular basis, with special posts that appear there instead of here, and are of a more "PG-13" style than what's written here. I also know that a few of the folks in my blogroll also have pages as well there as well. So I just found out that my oldest friend in the blogosphere, Pandora now has her own page for a while and NOW she tells us. I've been looking for more folk who come here to join me there and vice versa so I won't feel so alone there, ever though I have one hundred and thirty-one friends there. Which is a drop in bucket to dope like Dane "OOOH, I'm funny" Cook. Glad to have you aboard, Pandora.

Oh, and if you haven't gone there yet, check us both out and please make us your friends.

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

One For The Team

I'm back. I'm tired, I'm grumpy and as you can guess, I'm still sore. Yep, I got the deed done and took one for the team. I should get the results back in a few days and it should come back okay. Of course, there was one guy at work who had to just pick on me abou the whole thing, but I'm not worried about it. He's only 24 and just looked at him and point black said, "Y'know dude, you're gonna get my age at some point. When you do, you my friend are gonna have to take one for the team, too. Who knows, by that time they'll be able to do it right there on the spot. There, you will have to drive home to your ugly wife and five kids who look like monkey-fish and they'll say, 'How was your day, Daddy?' You'll look at them and say, 'I took one for the team today, kids. Just I was fated to do by Sam Johnson.' Never say never if you love your health, my friend."

In all seriousness, I feel great considering. And I can't wait to get it out of the way in another five years. If you love your family and want to watch another season of Monday Night Football guys, get it done.

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