"Say, does this look funny to you?"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Neverending Battle

Looks as though my birthday plans have been made for me. It turns out that I'll be going back to the hospital again on Wednesday due to a new blood clot in my new graft, which could mean I'll have to have yet another catheter. When I went to dialysis today, the nurses couldn't hear a flow in the graft with a stethescope, so they wound up calling the doctor who recomended that I return to the hospital so I can dialyise properly again. I then became pissed off, and cried after that.

Of all the days for this to happen, this is the very worse. I just wanted to enjoy this milestone but now I'll be cut open again for the seventh time this year and I'm sick of it. But, I don't have a choice in the matter. Anyway, I'm just really pissed off. There was so much I wanted to do, but that's now over.

Whye I wrote that earlier today , I was and am still pretty upset. I mean, wouldn't you be if it were you. But I know that I have to keep moving. I have to if I want to live. I have to keep on fighting. I had planned to write up a whole thing about fighting the battle for my birthday tomorrow, but I won't have the chance, so I may as well do it now.

Ever since 2002 that I found out that I had kideny failure, I had to learn to keep on going. I had just had the stroke moths before and thought it couldn't get any worse and then it did. For the longest time, I was going thru a deep depression that came close to taking my own life. But somehow I learned that if you just keep at it, no matter what the obsticle, you can come though it. I've been fighting everyday since then to survive. There are days like today when all I want to do is just fade away. But, I'm too much of a damn fighter to go down like that. I have had some crap days, but somewhere there's an angel looking over my shoulder telling me, "It's okay. You can do this. Please don't give up." I still haven't.

There are too many folks out there the same as me. There's Mellisa Etheridge. There was Richard Pryor and Chris Reeve. There was a little boy I knew named Jacob Brower who went to the hospital everyday almost with cancer and did hid damndest to fight it, but lost this year at the age of seven. Of everyone I ever knew , Jake was the strongest. From that point on, he made me tougher. He showed me never to give up.

Maybe you're a fighter. I don't know. But if you are, please never give up on what you want. I'm happy to have made it to forty and I hope to make it another fifty, maybe sixty years. It's why I have a Superman tattoo on my arm. It reminds me that EVERYTHING is a neverending battle and you can't give up. There are days where I hate to be alone, but sometimes that what it takes to get the job done. It's bullcrap sometimes, but somebody has to do it. So, keep on doing it. Keep the faith. DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT.

Speaking of never giving up, here's the podcast, finally. For right now, you have to download it here. Just right click your mouse and save it to your computer. You won't have to have an Ipod to enjoy it. I just hope however that you do. I'll see you guys when I get back, hopefully in better condition. Keep your nose clean until I get back. Be good.



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