Sam-a-rama!

"Say, does this look funny to you?"

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I didn't know he'd be talking about this...

Ok, enough talk of who gets to be King Of Latenight for now. Time to do what we do best here at The Real Sam Johnson Show. Kvetch.

Yeah, that oughtta kill all that traffic we've been getting here lately.

It has been about a month and a half since I talked to my friend/laywer, Colin McCrea about getting an LLC so I can start fundraising for my kidney transplant. I haven't heard one frickin' word from the guy. I know he works for a hugh firm, but he could at least call me, or have his people call me and let me know what's going on. Not one word.

Now, I feel bad enough wanting to ask folks for money for a body part. I feel bad enough asking folks for a nickle, but I'm going to have to ask for almost 150,000 dollars here. Do you know what kind of pressure that puts on a guy? It makes me wonder how Jerry Lewis feels on Labor Day. It must be hell on the nerves.

I think what I ought to do is just stand on the corner with a sign that says, " Will walk dog for kidney", or something of that matter. I'm tired of having to sit in that clinic all the time, I'm tired of being sick, I want a Route 44 grape/lemon slush from Sonic instead of watching my fluid all the time. I want my life back. This blows.

More funny later...

UPDATE I thought that, since I'm becoming an LLC, we should have some kinda doucmentary on how I am now becoming a brand name. So, watch this and remember, Sam's the brand when it comes to kidney transplants!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004


photo courtesy of rotten tomatoes, of all places. Posted by Hello

Bigger Than Biggie and Tupac

I think we have a new Late Shift Battle: East Coast/West Coast II® .

After posting my feelings last night, I got to take a look at what others are saying. Once again Mark Evanier has made his feelings clear, via email after I sent him a link to my last post.

"And I linked to you even though I don't agree. I also don'tdisagree. I just enjoy the guy most of the time. Frankly, lately, I prefer Jon Stewart and Conan to both Dave and Jay."

Point noted and taken, Mark. I think Jon and The Daily Show is possibly the funniest out there and Conan coming very close. I will always support Dave however, because he reminds me of what a talk show host was and should be. Funny, entertaining, and conversational. I never see that with Jay, while Jon, if given a full hour, could pull that off well. Others, as it seems, don't agree with our feelings about Jon, as it looks David at Better Living has his own feelings. I hate to say this, but it may be political when it comes to Stewart's show to David, it seems to me. No doubt, all of this is going to seperate the nation like Bush/Kerry, only funnier, in some ways. In the long run, something like this will spike the ratings on both Dave and Jay's show until Jay splits or 'til Dave feels he's bored withthe whole thing. But, I do expect this new Five Year War, as I now call it (trademarked) to be the most interesting television out there. I'm rooting for my boy Dave to win, by a close margin. Takers?

Monday, September 27, 2004

THE Late, Late Show Has Started

I'm watching The Jay Leno Show on NBC as they celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of The Tonight Show. I dare not call it "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" because that's not was the show is to me. It's just a plain old talk show with with an overlong monologue.

I never liked Leno as the host of the show. He seems like he wants to be loved by all of America, so he plays up to the crowd. It's what I would call a suck up. You know, the guy at work who would do his best to make everyone laugh with a bad joke and an "it's ok" so he can keep his job. Although, you really knew while he was fine, the guys who had the job before were smarter, funnier, and didn't give a damn what you thought. At least that's how I see it.

During Jay's tribute show, clips were shown from The Steve Allen/Jack Parr/Carson years, which were all funny, although when it came to Johnny's clips, they ran about as much clips from the stand ups who were on the show as much as they showed Johnny. Where was Ed Ames and the tomahawks? Where was The Late, Late Movies? Where was Carson's version or Reagan? Who the hell wants to see Bill Mahr or however the crap you spell his name? The show should have been two hours, nothing but clips and tributes to the show that made us stay up late for over half a decade? Obviously, it's Jay with his workman like attitude that just felt it's just another year. Let's get Hillary Duff on the show. Why at the end of the show did they show during the credits did they show everyone but Johnny? If it wasn't for the man, your big jaw assed head wouldn't EVEN be on BROADCAST CABLE at this point. But, I digress.

I know personally that when you do a talk show, you have to get only the top guests to make the show well, but I also know the show has to funny as well. I never played up to a crowd, whether it was television or radio and now here, and just became me. If it worked, it worked. Leno seems to just do the same routine over and over. Which is interesting, since he was his funniest when he was just a hard hitting comic who hit the road 300 times a year. Since he's settled down, that's when I thought he stopped being funny. Now mind you, the same could be said of Letterman, but he's become what he really wanted, which was a broadcaster, not really an entertainer.

It was announced on these show, although it made it to the press earlier, that Jay would be leaving the show five years to this day and hand it over to Conan O'Brien, which is a surprise. At least he was honest when he mentioned that it broke up a lot of friendships when he took over. I know that when the fight on who would take over The Tonight Show came about, folks were seperated like it was The Civil War all Over again. So, I am glad that Conan has officially inherited the chair instead of watching men squabble over it. Still, because of the past, the show is and will no longer be the same for me and many others who knew it well. I remember reading, then watching the biopic "The Late Shift" and seeing Dave ask Johnny if he really should do "Tonight" and hearing Johnny tell him that it was damaged goods. You know, damn if he wasn't right. After all, after Carson broke the mold, do you really want to be the guy standing there with the Crazy Glue?

A few afterwards. For a more likeable view of Leno, Mark Evanier has his say. Also, I just purchased the new "Here's Lucy" box set, with 24 of the best episodes from Lucille Ball's '68-'74 television series, including an episode featuring Johnny and Ed McMahon, which is hilarious. If you really want to see Carson in his prime, pick this set up, as this, along with fantastic other features are well worth the price.

Oh, yeah. Kilborn's gone. Who gets The Late, Late Show now?

Sunday, September 26, 2004

I don't WANT to dream of Jeanne

You think the folks in Florida are ticked off due to hurricanes? Live in Savannah, Georgia. See, the way the city sits on the coast, we get winds that come from the northeast. That means they'll push our way, and anything that comes from the Atlantic gets blown off. So far, we've had to deal with hurricanes for the past month and a half. All of them false calls. Now, we gotta deal with Jeanne, which in my opinion, will just give us heavy winds around 25-30 mph and 80 % rain on Monday. Now, not to slight Florida, but this is getting old. They are screwing up my weekend, since I got a phone call while I was asleep Saturday morning from the clinic to come in and do my dialysis on Sunday instead of Monday due to them being chicken. I WAS GOING TO THE MOVIES ON SUNDAY! Damn you, Jeanne and alal you other hurricanes before you.

Stupid weather.

Captain Quack Rubber Duck Quiz

At least I now know I can float. Thanks, Aimee.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Checkin' in on you

Hey there. I can't stay on as I have to get ready for, umm, Djing tonight. I haven't heard a word from you in awhile. I thought I might have ticked you off because I'm happy about things now. Interesting. I guess folks read about you when things go to crap and don't when things are going well. I'm not calling anyone fair weather here, but traffic has been quiet for a few days. I dunno. Maybe it's me. Well, if you're here this weekend, it'll be great to see you. I understand if you want to read somebody else who's got the gout or something. I'll still be here, though.

See you tomorrow?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Why I eat at Krystal's

Recently on Better Living Thru Blogging and a few others, the subject of a new Burger King ad was brought up, with the mid-seventies King returning to sell breakfast. Actually, it's a guy in a giant King head sitting in the bed of a freshly woken man, who's noticed that there's a leftover from Mardi Gras giving him a double meat breakfast sandwich. Now when I was a kid, The King was cool to me. He was the Urban Ronald McDonald to me, as they didn't have ANY Mickey D's on my side of town. To an 10 yeah old, The Whopper was a big deal. No regular burger, no no Whopper Jr., nope. I got Whoppers. This may explain my weight problems, as well as problems with my father, who bought those and comic books for me as a child. But they all made me happy then. Now, all I have is my books. The old man's in the pokey and The Whopper doesn't taste the same anymore. You can imagine how I feel about the new ad.

BK for sometime now has been doing these types of ads for awhile, trying to boost their image as you hip- with-it fast food place. No such luck with me. They've been changing ad agencies a lot the past few years trying to get the right image to defeat McDonald's. A lot of folks said The Subservient Chicken was weird, but I gotta say that those Angus Burger ads were wrong.
Just plain goddangged, frickin' creepy. Don't believe me? Click here and go to Angus Interventions. This made me NEVER wanting to eat an Angus Burger, along with nightmares out of the ying yang. It's like "Who the hell came up with this one and why are they EVEN still working for us? This guy makes Siegfried and Roy look like Huntley and Brinkley!"

Simmer on that reference for a bit, then finish this post.

Now, in all honesty, I have my own fast food heaven called Krystal's. If you're north of the Mason Dixon, then you know. If not, it's like a White Castle burger. 'Cept different. I've actually had both in my lifetime, and were impressed with both, but you jut can't beat a Krystal after a long night at the bar, the doctor, sex, et al. You can't just get two of them. Nope, you gotta get a sack of 'em. You can't do that with a Whopper. In my prime, I would put away a dozen of those things without breathing. Bread, meat, pickles and onions, with mustard, steamed. Sheer joy. Bless you, Mr. Krystal's man. We know Harold and Kumar may like your evil and not as
southern and sweet like you twin, but you are there for the drunks, strippers and potheads who call for a run to your alter at 3:42 am.

Great...Now I'm frickin' starved. I gotta make a run. Late!


Thank you, Russ Meyer. You taught us that violent, oversexed women with large breasts need love, too. Oh, and you gave Ebert a job in Hollywood. Posted by Hello

A thought

The past few days have been the most laid back in a long time. I've got a girlfriend now, a good gid DJing, bills are caught up. This is good. RIGHT?

I've have more folks tell me that they've never seen me happier than they have before. I guess they've seen me go thru so much crap that it must get boring to see the sam ol' Sam. Personally, I'm tired of the same ol' me too. There are somethings that I did think about today and I came up with a few things...

I am a Metrosexual.

I am Obsessive/Compulsive.

I'm a slob.

I need to quit smoking again.

But...

I have a great sense of humor.

I'm smart.

I can sing anyone under a table.

I don't know where or why this reasoninhg came up, but it just did. Perhaps I just had the timeto think about it today or it's been there the whole time, but there it is. I have become Mr. Zen. So, instead of worrying about what's next, I should just go with the flow. Yeah, that's it. I'm flowin'.

That's all I got for now.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I gots nothing...

Nope. Not a thing.

Here. Watch some Strong Bad. I should have something funny later today.






































Sunday, September 19, 2004

In Da News

Let's do some Kibbles and Bitz today, shall we?

Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day! So, avast matey, or I'll swab the deck with ye! ARRRRGH! I'll keel hawl the lot of Ye! ARRRRGH! Yo ho ho and bottle of Brass Monkey!

You can only do that for so long without getting sick of it before your friends do.

You know now that Oprah gave away cars last week, every television show now has to compete. Tony Danza actually gave away t-shirts on his show the next day. Look for Pax TV shows to give away ponies, "According To Jim" to give free lap dances to the first twenty viewers, and UPN just giving away the network to anyone who can figure out what the hell they're doing.

Speaking of tv, there's an article on Mad TV from Entertainment Weekly that Ain't It Cool picked up on. The arguments continues: Which is better? SNL or Mad TV? Hard call. What do you think?

Ladies and Gentlemen, this could be THE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME THIS YEAR.

Movies I want to see this year: Team America: World Police, The Incredibles, Shark Tale, Beyond The Sea, and Ray. You can tell what kind of guy I am from the movies I watch.

Speaking of which, any Chris Walken movie is a good movie. I'll give him a pass for "Kangaroo Jack, though.

In case anyone asks, after a private poll, Lynda Carter is the Sam Johnson Woman of the Month. Sorry,Ruth Buzzi. Maybe next year.

That's all I got. Comment now and I'll be back later.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

It's over now, my baby blue

Wet Willie's is history. I quit.

SOUND THE TRUMPETS, Y'ALL!

I gotta phone call from a friend of mine who runs a great restaurant here in town called Tappas. I think I told you about them before. Anyways, he calls me last night saying that one of the downtown bars were looking for a DJ to help them out since their last one left on short notice. I seem to have a good reputation here in town now, so they wanted to give me a shot. So, I go there Thursday night ( I missed "The Apprentice, so don't tell me who got booted and why), get a feel for the place, then do everything I DIDN"T do at Willie's. It turned out great. So great they want me there Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. ON MY OWN TERMS.

I had to tell Willie's I was leaving, but I doubt it really matters to them at this point. I never really played ball withthem that well, with the attitude they had, especially once I mentioned to them that I would haved liked to have had a fundraiser there. If they still want to helpwhen the time comes, they're more than welcome. But, I had to split without giving two weeks notice, but they've got a good DJ there I brought in to back me up for emergencies. If I don't take him with me. HEH HEH HEH...

I do want to thank them for hiring me when I needed it. I thought I did the best job that I could with what I had to work with. I don't really hold any ill will towards those guys, but I just wasn't happy anymore trying to make them look hip and fresh when I was getting worn out and tired. It possibly was for the best that I left without having to deal with rednecks in the Sam Johnson Way.

So, will I miss anything there? HMMMMNope. Nada, nothin'. I am so glad that period of my life is now over and I can start new. So, stick around. This oughtta be fun.


Thursday, September 16, 2004

Survival of the fittest

Survivor is coming back tonight. WHOOP-DEE-DOO.

I ain't watching it. I stopped after the first season. It was worth it.

Because of that show, there's loads of reality shows out there. I don't even want to name them all, because they aren't really worth mentioning. Here's the way it breaks down for me...

Best Celeb Reality Show: The Osbournes. The fact that they put this family on national television alone makes it funny. The real Ozzy fans knew what he like all along: a buzzed out, befuddled man with a slick wife who still rocks out on stage. OZZY RULES!

Best Dating Show: NONE. If I ain't datin', then why do I have to see a loser give a rose to some woman who'll dump him later?

Best Reality Show, Et Al: The Apprentice. This is reality. You want it bad enough, you're gonna work for it. Then, you gotta work for Trump. Screw it up, you don't get voted off. You get fired. THAT IS REALITY. You don't get a rose when you mess up a Whopper at Burger King. There's no tribal council at the real estate office. Your ass is LET GO, with the point of The Cobra.

I know the Mark Burnett is in charge of both Survivor and The Apprentice. You know he's got to be loaded by now. Both shows run on Thursday night. "Survivor" runs an hour earlier on CBS, but "Apprentice" on NBC is better. It's set in NYC. When the hell are you gonna go to Vanatu or whatever it's called. It's set here in the Land Of Opportunity, not some castle. It has a real outcome , meaning you have a fantastic job when it's over, not just some minor celebrity to show up on a whatever happened to show six months down the line. You are in charge of what happens in the game.

As soon as "Will and Grace" is over (I actually like that show. Great writing, wonderful cast), I'm going to watch tonight's Super-Sized edition of "The Apprentice" and get a lesson in business that would have taken me ten years of college to get by watching Proffessor Donald Trump. Maybe other risinbg and failing companies should see how it's done.

So, what's your favorite reality show?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

And I will always...Well, at least, say I liked you in" Waiting To Exhale"...

Whitney's back and she's never looked better. Now, if we can just get rid of that jackhole husband of hers. Here she is, couresty of E.T. and Yahoo.

A Savannah Welcome

I feel lonely.

It's not that. I met someone over the weekend, remember?

It's just that I went to Google to try and see if there was anyone else in Savannah who were doings blogs. Well, I looked. I didn't really find a public one that I actually liked that interested me. I'm sorry to say that alot of folks writing a blog here in town bore the hell out of me. I really shouldn't be saying that, but I couldn't get hooked. Maybe you or somebody else would think it's cool, but not me. At least two were about fashion design. I'm a metrosexual, but I ain't Joan Rivers.

I did find one however that was so up my alley, I gotta give this guy a MAJOR shout out. Ivan G. Shreve, Jr. writes a blog called "Thrilling Days Of Yesteryear", all about Old Time Radio. Personally, I think it's fantastic and a great read if you're a fan of the genre. I'd rather listen to Bob Hope than anything ABC has on their fall schedule this time around. Congrats to you, Ivan. I hope you do a great job. Check him out sometime, will ya?

Explain this to me...

I don't watch Oprah. I don't have a need to watch Oprah. So, on her season premire, Oprah gave away cars to her ENTIRE frickin' audience! I mean, is that what it takes to get folks to watch her, unlike 2/3s of the Universe watching her?

I'm givin' away a GMAIL invite for two folks who can give me a good reason why Oprah is EVIL. Remember, you can't get Gmail anywhere but in an invite. Start hittin' the comments now.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Do you know what they call President Bush In France?

Time for some politcal humor. I got this one from The Texaxs Tornado, who just happens to have two cute kids. How they came from him, I have no freakin' idea. But he sends this in from Flogo. It's a little piece called Pulp Politicians. Enjoy.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Who's The Man?

Recently at The Monkey Cage, the subject of THE MAN was brought up in between Monkey's daily Pimp Slap and ranting about his wife's love for Clay Aiken. I would like to add my comments on such, as they were seen on the page, with some added notes.

You wanna know who "The Man" is? I'll tell ya who he is. I got friends in low places who tells me this stuff.

He's the guy who doesn't give you rollover minutes on your cell phone.

He created PAX TV.

He reminds you everyday to eat your veggies...the bad ones like Brussel Sprouts.

The Man often disguies himself as that Austrailian guy who keeps selling those pushbrooms on television to pick up chicks at bars.

You know that "Garfield The Movie " that came out this summer? He produced it. Oh, and co-wrote it. WITH HIS BROTHER.

He created pitted prunes so they could be more "enjoyable".

The Man made Kenny G the star he is today.

He told Hugh Hefner that maybe he should put more articles, less boobies in Playboy.

He had the idea for the Chia Pet.

"The Man" came up with Pepsi Edge in his sleep.

The Man has a sidekick...Little Man.

You know that whole California election recall thing last year? THE MAN. He did it all as a joke to see of Arnie would really do it.

He likes sushi, but HATES Captain D's.

He loves the soft sounds of Perry Como while drinking a mai tai.

He still keeps a lifetime supply of Hai Karate in his basement at 45 degrees, celsius.

The Man puts ranch dressing on EVERYTHING.

Told Ben and J-lo to break up and made Britney get married.

THE FRICKIN' MAN IS EVERYWHERE, MAN. FIGHT BACK!

I'm telling ya...Be carefull around The Man. But, look out for Mr. Charlie. Now THAT is a mean Sonavabitch.

Swoonin'

Hi.
How ya doin'?
I gotta sidekick.

I'm probably the happiest guy on the web right now. I think I've got the best woman in the world on my side right now. Just to remind you who didn't read the last post, her name is Susan. She's smart, funny, sexy, and a redhead. She has two sons, one's twenty and the other's eighteen, I think. She lives in Buckhead, which a section of Atlanta. Oh yeah, did I mention she likes me?

We met at Wet Willie's on Saturday. I just happened to have the night off and thought I'd stop in for a moment. So, I'm sitting around when I notice this woman walk into the place. She was being hit on by a bunch of drunk frat boys looking to get laid, but she was having no part of it. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there watching the crowd, when we actually noticed each other. I have no idea what hit me afterwards, but somehow I walked up to her and asked her to dance. We did pretty well on the floor, while pissing off the frat boys who had no chance.

After the dance, Susan and I found out a few things about each other. She decided to come to Savannah to get her mind off of a few things. I had told her I was just in Atlanta to do the same thing. "How come we didn't meet then? It would have made my last week alot eaiser", she said.

After a while, I walked her back to her hotel room, which just happened to be next door to the bar. We wound up talking even more into the night, when we both realized that it was late. So, I asked her out for dinner on Sunday and she agreed. I got a kiss goodnight and floated out of the room, at least 20 feet.

THe next night, we went to a great place called Tappas, which is as you can tell, a tappas restaurant. The meal was exellent and she was wonderful, wearing a off the shoulder blouse. From there, we walked to the Mercury, where we had drinks and talked more about music. She loves Velvet Revolver, 311, Outkast, and is a big Monty Python fan. Whatta woman.

Soon, it was time to head back to her hotel. We walked holding hands and joking the whole time about Johnson Square here in town and the monuement to a fallen major in the middle of it. Somehow, we wound up talking about phallic symbols since the monuement mentioned that it was a shaft with the remins of the major. Soon, the name Shaft Johnson came up and we were rolling with it the whole way home. I told you all I had a cool last name.

We got back to the room and talked some more, me telling her about dialysis and her teling me that she actually worked in a clinic years before she became a doctor's wife, so she completly understood what was going on with me. Not wone woman I have met since this started has ever really gotten it until Susan came along. So, After awhile, we kind of agreed that maybe we should see each other more. She said yes. We were both happy. She's a great kisser.I think I made her happy this weekend. I know I was.

I hope she sticks around for awhile.

Here's what happened...

Her name is Susan Baker. She lives in Atlanta. She was married for 18 years and has two sons. We met in Wet Willie's last night.We went out for dinner tonight. We both had a wonderful time. We seem to have alot in common. She laughs at my jokes and I laugh at hers. She was awsome.

I think we may become an item. I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Thanks, Big Guy.

Oh, yeah...

Hubba-hubba, y'all!

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Hubba Hubba, Y'all

I have a date tonight with a lovely woman I met at Wet Willie's. Details forthcoming.

Pray I don't screw it up.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Remember...

I could have put up an image, but didn't.
Everyone else will, probably.
I could sit here and tell you what I went thru that day.
It could be no worse than yours, if not more. No need to compare. We all went through the same thing.
Hug your child.
Light a candle.
Say a brief prayer.
Remember...


Friday, September 10, 2004


This I am most proud of. This is Patricia and Ruben's new baby boy. The cool thing this they weren't expecting him to show up, if you will. What makes it bad is that I HAVE FORGOTTEN THE CHILD'S NAME. So, I've taken to calling him "Oopsey-Daisey". You have as many family mambers as I have, and you'll understand. But as you can see, he does make me very happy. Too bad I can't spoil him like most of my neices and nephews. AND THAT'S THE END! Posted by Hello

Thursday, September 09, 2004


Here's my bestest pal/co-producer/co-creator of the Emmy Award losing comedy show "Underground Savannah/Noiz Hauz", Ronnie Faust and the love of his life after Deborah Gibson, Bernedete. Remember, when going to Atlanta, stay at The Regency Suites in Midtown. Tell 'em I sent ya and get a handshake from the cleaning lady FREE. Posted by Hello


Hi there. Well, I've got some photos of my family I'd like to share with you. I have more, but I think I'd like to be a bit more private with those. Here's the Johnson/Gordon group+2. I'd use Johnson/Gordon clan, but you know how I feel about that. So clockwise is my brother in law Rubin, I'm not sure of her name but she's a friend of my sister Patricia; Sanda Gant, who's been friends with my sister Patricia for over 30 years, so she's like family; The Aformentioned Patricia Gordon-Goodine, Patrcia's daughter, who's name slips right now, but who sat on the computer the whole time until I we forced her to take a picture; my other niece Alishia; my nephew Darien; my sisiter Gail's son Jonah; my younger brother and former punching bag/sidekick Martin; his lovely wife Kim, who are parents to Darien and Alishia and some fathead. What a reunion. I got banana pudding, which made it all the more special. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, September 08, 2004


That's me with George Lowe of "Space Ghost, Coast To Coast". By the way, I'll say it for him since he ain't here. How about some frickin' points from the DVD sales, huh mooks? Family photos tomorrow. Posted by Hello


"Yeah, so like I created this thing that picks up girls. Take a look. I call it A LIFE." Posted by Hello


Ok, let me explain if you don't know. The Vision is an android. The Scarlet Witch is human, yet they are married. So, how are they doin' it?  Posted by Hello


I told you Green Arrow rocks! The Flash ain't bad, either. Posted by Hello


Yeeah, but I still didn't get their number. Teases. Posted by Hello


Here's the first photo from Dragon*Con. Needless to say I was pissed off when Shemale Ivy showed up and C.B'ed me from Supergirl. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

AND WEEE'RE BAAACK!

Jet lag after only flying for an hour, but had a MAJOR delay due to bad weather in Savannah into Atlanta. Stupid weather. I'm home now. I just changed into comphy clothes and my new slippers. Hubba-hubba...

How the hell did "hubba-hubba" get started?

Anyways, here's a few things I learned from Dragon*Con...

Hobbits are fat, lazy creatures with mullets and should be kissing Peter Jackson's hairy butt. The fans however are doing it a bit too much now that the movie magilla is over.

You can always find a bootleg video of ANYTHING at a con. Trust me, just ask.

You don't have to be a size 3 to wear that Princess Jasmine dress from "Aladin". But, it sure as hell will help, lady.

Never trust a man dressed as a Stormtrooper/Boba Fett/Hobbit/Jedi-on-crack/pirate/wizard/Posion Ivy.

If the network cancelled the show the first time because it sucked, doesn't mean for the star of the show should start a letter writing campaign. So stop bothering Fox, "AlienNation"'s Gary Graham.

Speaking of D list actors...Mark Goddard of "Lost In Space...Calling Mr. Goddard. This is the Sixties. We were over in 1969. We were done with you in '68. Now, get a real job like Lyle Waggoner.

However George Lowe, the voice of "Space Ghost Coast To Coast" was the nicest if not funniest guy there. His Q & A panel was a hoot. Spittakes, dirty jokes, hatin' on AOL, and playing game show announcer...

George: Ok, when I point to you, just repeate what I told you to piss off the panel next door. (As announcer.) Now, it's time to play America's favorite game...
Audience(Loud as Hell): HEY, THAT'S NOT YOUR FINGER!!


As George would have put it, a completly Dadaequse time the whole weekend. And now, it's over. I have my memories and pitures. I'll have the pics up soon. The memories, as well as visions of fat women in belly barring leather blouses, will be with me forever.

Ok, nappy time. 'Night.

Oh...I never did get to meet Warren Ellis. The filthy writer. He plans...

Sunday, September 05, 2004

The BEST DAY EVER!

I didn't go to the Con today. I had to play catch up with everyone today. What a day it was.

I got some great sleep today here at the Regency Suites, proud sponsor of the Johnson
Family Vacation. I woke up just in time for the Coninental Breakfast of a bagel, juice, coffee and a danish. Afterwards, I took a shower and met up with my best bud and co-producer of the old "Underground Savannah" TV show, Ronnie Faust, and his fiance, Bernedete, who the G.M. of The Regency. By the way, if your in the ATL, stop on in and tell 'em I sent ya. We wound up going out for lunch, which was fine. Then Ronnie and I hung out like old times catching each other up with what's going on.

I got home a little later and took a nap when my brother Rocky called. I think I may have told you about him. 34 years old, three great kids and a beautiful wife. Anyway's he came by about 6:30 and we did something I haven't done in along time. I saw my sister Patricia.

Let me say now that I have problems with most of, well, alot of my family. Being black, I come from a faith based family. Not to say that it's wrong, but for the most part it makes some folks higher than thou. I think that's what's happened to them, which is sad because it's alienated me. It's bad enough that all both Rocky and myself come from different fathers, but this brings confusion as well. Shame.

Fortunatly, Tricia isn't that way. Ever since Mom died in '82, we've grown alot closer than I have with most of my other sisters and brothers. Rocky, Tricia and I get along great together, which is good, since I still need family. Speaking of which, it's gotten bigger now that Tricia had given birth to a baby boy named Jovan. I should mention that Tricia is 47 years old and her husband Rubin is the same age. They both went to Savannah High and then slpit apart, only to meet up and marry in 1985. That, and now the birth of Jovan, proves to me that love still exists in this world.

We had a wonderful reunion together. My nephews and nieces, all ranging from 26 to 2 months, surrounding me. Friends like Sandra Gant, who also went to school with Tricia and who was like a surrogate sister was there with her husband, Richard. And then, there are the photos. My God, the photos. Pictures I have not seen in close to 22 years of family. I saw pictures of myself that threw me for a big loop. I never new I was that small or even that cute. You'll see 'em soon. Hush.

When it was all over, I felt sad. But, I know that I still have them all to lean on, and they can call me anytime. What a feeling.

Ok, I gotta wrap this up since I'm using the hotel computer. I'll be back tomorrow with more from the Con and other wild things. Hopefully, I'll find Warren Ellis this time. I finally found my family again, so Ellis ought to be a snap.

'Night.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

And now, an update...

My feet are killing me.

I took the MARTA over to Dragon*Con. Wasn't too bad of a ride. I got there around two p.m. and let me tell you I was scared for my life. Te last time time I went, I was 28 years old. I didn't have a care in the world. Well, the rules have changed in ten years. I saw things I ain't never seen before.

I saw five Boba Fetts, 12 Stormtroopers, 8 Klingon, 3 Spider-Men, and a crapload of Hobbits and elves. There were women who were dressed very sexy and women who didn't need to be dressed sexy AT ALL. Every man had a pot belly ('cept me), and every nerd had a even nerdier girlfriend. WOW.

I bumped into David Carridine of "Kill Kung Fu Bill" fame. Here's a world exclusive interview with him.

Me: "Hey, Mr. Carridine!"
David (walking and not reall paying attention):"Yep."
Me: "I was wondering if I...could...take...a pic..."

The crazy bastard was on the escalator before I could finish. I hope Uma gets to him one more time so he can get chased by the ghost of Bruce Lee for stealing his TV show.

SPeaking of which, I made a hefty purchase. I bought over one hundred and fifty dollars on DVD's of old cartoons. There's a great place online called Cool Stuff Video that puts together all kinds of cool old shows, old anime and Japanese shows from the 70's, plus some weird stuff you can't find anywhere else. I've been wanting to order from this guy for a long time but never had the chance. Well, he just happen to be at the Con this year and I never knew about it. Well, I wen't nuts and got some, well, really cool stuff. I'd have almost gotten The Star Wars Holiday Special if I didn't have it on VHS. But I'm gonna get it anyway just to see hot Wookie love and to see a coked out Carrie Fisher. Maybe Lucas should have just put this out instead of this new crap.

Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay. I'm going to try to go Sunday to start wroking on the comic purchases. I wound up carrying 40 pounds of DVD's and tapes baclk to the hotel with me and then wound up getting on the wrong MARTA, so yeah, I'm pooped. I still have to seee me family and get with Ronnie and Bernadete before I go. So much fun, so little time.

Oh, and no sign of Warren Ellis. But, I'm lookin for him like Spider Jeruselem.


The Durty Durty

Well, I'm here in the ATL. The flight was ok, but it was a bear getting around Hartsfield Airport. First, I didn't realize that they had people movers to get you to your baggage. Not an escalator like The Jetsons, but a friggin' subway. Then, I wound up taking The MARTA subway from the airport to get to Midtown, so another first, as it was I'd never been on one before, nonetheless a train. I got a lot to look foward to as I get older.

One more thing...My friend Ronnie told me that not only is this weekend Dragon*Con, but it's also BLACK MALE GAY PRIDE WEEKEND here in Atlanta. Turns out The Regency Suites is filled with BLACK GAY MALES. All but one. Sorry, fellas. But chicks dig me and I did the chicks.

I wonder what would happen if a war broke out between the gay men and the fanboys from the con? OOOOH, would that be funny as hell.

ANyway, I'm off to the Hyatt Regency Downtown. I got the Camera, so I'm taking pics. Hopefully of some goth chicks I can show these guys around here.

By the way, if there are any gay males reading this post, I'm deeply sorry. But I'm here for only two things while I'm on vacation. Hubba Hubba, ladies.

Friday, September 03, 2004

I Am Going To Dragon*Con And Nothing Can Stop Me!®, Part Deux.

I am only gonna say this one time to anyone here in Savannah hiding from Hurricane Francis.

I SWEAR TO GOD, if you screw up my city while I'm gone, so help me, you'll wish you secceeded from the nation by the time I'm done with you. You heard me, Orlando! Trying to charge folks to come to Savannah. And you, Miami. I don't want any of your crap. If you even think about sneaking someone in or having wild coke parties, I'll beat you back to the stone age. Oh, and tell West Virgina they can't come here this weekend. They know dammed well that there's no hurricane coming their way. They just want to come here and cause trouble.

Ok, are we clear? Great. Now be good. I've taken the keys to the liquor cabinet and blocked the cable so Jackosnville doesn't get too wild. If you have any problems, you know how to reach me. Oh, have I forgotten anything? Good. Alrighty. You kids be good and listen to your Uncle David and Aunt Tiffany, although she may be a bit cranky this weekend. Oh, and keep the music down. The Monkey Cage across the street hates it when you play Clay Aiken at 11. I'm talking to you, Key West.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

One more piece of politics

I'm watching G.W.'s speech at the R.N.C. and just watched two protesters pulled out. Amazing.

Anyways, I hate talking politics. I'm a writer who just wants to entertain with dumb little things that will make you laugh, or at least say something thoughtfull. Mindless entertainment. But Yesterday, I had to say something. I've been reading lots of blogs from Spot On to News From Me to all types of blogs who have their opinion. Well, you heard mine. And, I'm sticking to it.

I have too many folks asking me here in the real world what I think and I usually try to skirt the answer. It loses friends when you talk about who's in office these days and I need all the friends I can get. So, if anyone really wants to know how I stand, I'll just tell 'em to come here. They don't like it, fine. Go to Homestar Runner. I'm just trying to make folks laugh here.

I heard about this story today concerning Denzel Washington and Katie Couric in an interview. Is he a great actor or is he a closet Republican who could be blackballed if he spoke out? You be the judge on this one. Needless to say, my problem is, quote Jadakiss, why did Denzel hadda be crooked to get that award?

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

THis is what you get when you make me read newspapers.

From a guy who lives in Georgia., let me just say that he has a point. The party has abandoned Zell Miller. I agree with him that they have become wimps with issues. However, I'm not really happy with Bush, either. He could easily go ahead and make the CIA the thing the world fears the most. The black ops, death before dishonor, don't even think of taking that last cookie, bad ass sonofabitch they hear about. I mean, look at Israel. They have the deadliest team in the world. That should have been and can be us. The War on Terror is an oxymoron anyway.Think about that. We should be manhunting terrorists and take them out quick and quiet like a smoke eater and have wars with countries who screw with our lives. You don't bother us we don't bother you.

I don't talk politics often. I hate to do it. I don't like to impose my political views on anyone. But this election is important to everyone. Like ALL THE OTHERS BEFORE IT. I don't like Kerry because he's too soft. I don't like Bush because he plays too hard. Don't even get me started on Nader. Would someone tell Uncle Ralph that parade's over and the sweepers are coming up to clean the horse poop?

All I'm saying is get out there and support who you think is best. You don't have to vote if you don't want. I don't care 'cause it ain't my business. I will vote as always, but it's goin' to be hard as hell this time around. I want the right thing. But until then, I guess I'm stuck with voting for The Tick or Arthur.

I promise I won't be doing that again for a long time.


I Am Going To Dragon*Con And Nothing Can Stop Me!®

That is my new mantra for the next few days. Notice the copywrite. Y'all think I'm playin'. I'm goin' and that's that. The folks at the clinic were wondering what I would do in case Hurricane Francis blows our way. I told them continue to crawl behind Warren Ellis like the plebian I am. There was then howls of laughter coming from my mouth after I told them I planned this months ago!. Suckas!!! Then, I ran out of the room holding my arm over my face like a cape, going "Nyaa-ha-ha!" like Dishonest John.

'Cause I'm Going TO Dragon*Con And Nothing Can Stop Me!®

I have prayed and prayed and prayed for this moment for a long time. Five years. I mean, FIVE YEARS HERE, PEOPLE. I'm like Ben Affleck when he found out J-lo had a fake ass. I am so gone, your heads will spin. I love you all, deeply, madly, truly. However, I'm Going To Dragon*Con And Nothing Can Stop Me!®

God, I wish I could take you all with me. I want you to be there as the big grin slides across my face as I step off the plane. To hear my yelps as I walk into the convention, knowing that I come this far. And the tears on my face when I realize that it's all over and I have to go back to what my life was before all the fun. I know it's only two days. I know it's only in the same state. I know I could have driven four hours to get there. But, I don't get to do this kind of stuff. This, to me, is bliss. This is joy. All that I want in this world. I am going to be happy for once.

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO DRAGON*CON AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME!®

Wanna go?